Blessing Manifesting

My number one goal/mission/purpose in life is to encourage women to love themselves and to have good self-esteem and a positive self-image. It sounds so simple: Love yourself.

But when you really think about it, it encompasses so much and it can completely change the world.

If you think about all of the problems that stem from women and girls not loving themselves you get the bigger picture. When you don't love yourself, you tend to have low self-esteem and self-worth. We're talking teen pregnancies, domestic violence, bullying, suicide, and those are the big issues. There's also just everyday unhappiness. I'm trying to do my part, however itsy bitsy, to change that.

If I can show one woman that her happiness isn't defined by some guy giving her attention then I am doing what I need to do. If I can show one woman that she doesn't have to act out and treat other people badly to make herself feel good, then I am serving my purpose. If I can show just one woman that there are beautiful and amazing things inside of her and that she's totally awesome, then I have done exactly what I set out to do.

Loving yourself, encouraging others to love themselves, seriously changes the world.

It causes a ripple effect that moves out to the other women in your life. Showing them that they too can shine and be happy. If you are worthy of love then maybe they are too.

That is my gift to you. That is your gift to the world. I created the ABC's of Self Love to give you a free resource that shows you what self love emcompasses. It's not about getting your hair done or having a spa date, it's about facing some really deep and hard issues in your life. Boundaries, Value, Intimacy, Loving your body and so much more.

Download my free e-book, feel free to share it with your tribe, your sisterhood, your friends, even your daughters.

You are worth loving and so are they!

I have a little confession to make. Maybe you already know, I'm sure I've said it before, but maybe I haven't.

I have a problem with codependency.

I know, you're thinking "Whaaaaat? But Dominee, you've been a single lady for forever and ever and most of the time you talk about liking it."

That's true too. I stay away from relationships because I know what it holds for me. I get addicted to love, to relationships, to being needed by someone. And basically it destroys my life. Okay, that's a little dramatic, but it destroys my sense of myself, completely. I suddenly stop being me and start being whatever or whoever they need me to be. My every thought revolves around them, I become obsessive about it, and it turns me into someone I don't really like. Relationships are like a drug and I'm addicted.

I've spent the last several years being single so that I can focus on what I want and what I need and what makes me happy. I get to be Dominee, with no one else in my head, telling me that I've got to be perfect for someone else. If I ever do get into another relationship I am going to have an unshakable foundation and a true sense of who I am in every aspect. That's a whole shit ton of work, and maybe one day I'll get there.

I'm not there now though. I still see my codependent tendencies coming up in my friendships and it makes me sad and frustrated. I am succeeding in baby steps. I'm good at creating boundaries, something I wouldn't have been able to do five years ago. I've stopped givinggivinggiving until I want to keel over because I've learned to say no. I'm becoming a better communicator. However, there are still things I need to work on.

I make excuses that I shouldn't make.

For example, I had a friend and we'd been close for a few years. He went through a really hard time, a mid-life crisis sort of thing, and when it was over, he wasn't the same, I wasn't the same, and neither was our friendship. I was constantly feeling like he didn't want to be around me and that we were only friends because he was just as bad at letting go as I was and I didn't want to be alone.

I told myself that it was being disloyal to want to let go. For someone who has been 'abandoned' as much as I have, loyalty is something that I value almost more than anything, because loyalty means they aren't going to leave me.

When I want to leave a friendship or relationship I tell myself that I have to be loyal. You stick through the tough times, you don't just throw people and relationships away when it gets hard. You don't just give up, you fix what's broken.

It is so hard to walk the line between loyalty and dependency.

It's hard to know when you ought to let go and when those excuses in your head are just that, excuses.

Letting go is hard to do, but so is holding on to something that isn't nourishing, that doesn't fill your heart up, just for the sake of a loyalty that doesn't do anyone any good.

One step at a time, I'm learning.

I finally got the deck Oracle of the Shapeshifters in the mail a few days ago and I have been loving the cards, they are fantastic! Yesterday I even pulled cards for fans of the Facebook Page, and I'll definitely be doing that again, so stay tuned!

Today, I pulled a card for you, for me, for us, and I wanted to share it with you. I love sharing the messages of the cards, they allow us to look deeper into what is happening around us.

This card completely represents where I am right now and I hope that you find some wisdom in its message as well.

Artemis is the Greek Goddess of the Hunt. She roams the forest embracing the ways of the wild. With her bow in hand she represents strength and accuracy, always hitting her mark. She is the huntress and she is also the protectress.

Artemis insists that you go deep into the wild, leave your comfort behind, and then discover your own strength.

How perfect is that? That's what I'm feeling right now. It's time for me to really be responsible for my experiences and my emotions. I want to stop just reacting to what is going on around me and I want to make things happen. I want to rediscover my awesome. I want to forge my own path into the forest instead of following the well-trod ones.

Artemis is a fearless Goddess who does what she needs to do to survive. She can be gentle and comforting but it is underlined with strength and a strong sense of survival.

Artemis tells us that it is time to embrace the wild, either within ourselves or out in nature. We can, we will, survive. We are able to support ourselves, we are able to give ourselves exactly what we need. We can be self-sufficient and aware of our own power.

We are powerful.

Almost a year ago I wrote about my biological father, the one I've never met and only talked to on the phone twice as a child.

I wrote him a letter three years ago and a year later he responded with a Christmas card and two pictures of himself as young adult. Finally learning what he looked like, after over twenty years of wondering, seemed like enough for me at the time. It closed the door on that chapter of my life of wishing for a father, wishing for me, or so I thought.

Since the moment I had internet access I've googled him every now and then out of curiousity, found out where he lived, his age and what he did for a living, and that he was married.

Five days ago I found out that he had died.

Reading his obituary I found out more about him that I knew while he was alive. At the time, his death didn't really bother me. He was 70 years old, it seemed like he had a full life. His obituary talked about how active he was in his church and how many friends he had. I brushed it off and went about my day, telling myself that it shouldn't bother me.

After a few hours it start to hit me and I guess I started to grieve.

More for the end of deep buried dreams than for anything. Even as I grew older I think that I always secretly hoped that one day we would meet and he'd express regret and all of the proper emotions of having missed out on my childhood and then we'd live happily ever after.

It's not going to happen now and part of me is sad for that. I wish I had memories of a happy childhood to fall back on, I wish I could say that I'd never lacked for a father figure that I felt loved anyway... but I didn't. Now that part of my life is closed and never to be recaptured in any way.

It makes me really sad.

I wish you would have loved me, or cared enough to try
I wish you would have said hello before you say goodbye

My vacation from the retail job is coming to a close and as it ends I'm finding myself thinking about all of the little things that keep me happy, fill me with joy, and basically keep me sane through juggling 40-hour work weeks and my job here.

What makes me feel like a Goddess?

A nice cup of hot tea while reading a book by SARK is a favorite. So are luxurious naps and sitting out on my balcony enjoying the fresh air. Taking a walk in the early morning for caramel frappuccinos are also on my list of favorites. Here is a list of some of my absolute favorite ways to tap into Goddess energy. What are yours?

What's a Goddess without her temple?
One of the easiest ways to get me feeling all aglow and happy is having a living space that reflects that. I decorate in my favorite colors, make sure that my apartment is properly aired out with open windows, and that things are clean and smell nice. Coming home after a long day of work instantly relaxes me and makes me feel good. Keeping my sacred space comfortable is a great way to be good to myself.

Keep your feet on the ground.
Literally. Walking barefoot over the earth instantly forges a deep connection, grounding your energies, keeping you firmly in touch with in your body. Walking barefoot actually helps me relieve anxiety. It allows me to focus on my inner self and what's underneath me. I feel like part of Mama Earth. Sometimes I imagine I have roots coming out of my feet (if I'm standing) or the base of my spine (if I am sitting) and I imagine my roots reaching deep down into the earth, calming me.

Give yourself permission to dance.
I've sure I've mentioned this again and again and again but I love dancing and listening to music and moving my body. I've been guilty of saying that I can't dance, that I have no rhythm, but the truth is none of that really matters. It doesn't matter if you can't dance in a way that would please other people, as long as you dance in a way that pleases and makes your body happy. I put on good music and I let my body sway to it in a natural and intuitive way.

It makes me become aware of my body, of movement, and it makes me feel powerful and beautiful.

Hold space for someone else. 
When I help guide someone through loneliness or sadness or heartbreak, I get deeply in touch with my own heart. When I sit and listen to someone tell me about their life or about their problems I hold a space of love and compassion for them and in turn it deepens the well within myself. I find myself developing a greater sense of those things for myself and my mistakes and problems as well.

Being a light for others and being a positive force allows me to truly see the change that I can be to the world and that is a good feeling.

Embrace your creative.
Whether it's being creative with words or paints or recipes for food, tapping into your creativity can inspire you to see the talented Goddess that you are. I love being able to make things, even when they don't come out perfect or the way that I want them to, being able to see my own potential and envisioning what I am capable of doing always gives me a burst of juicy mojo.

What do you do to feel like a Goddess?

Sometimes I'm mean to me... but I'm getting better.

Have you ever had days when you look in the mirror and nothing good comes to mind? Or you're getting ready to go out, you try on your favorite shirt, and all you can think about is how unattractive you look? Days when looking in the mirror allows you to see nothing but criticisms?

I have those days.

A few weeks ago I was walking home from work and taking pictures of myself, because I'm a selfie addict. Since my face has gone back to normal after the evil Bell's Palsy episode, I can't stop taking pictures of my lovely face and admiring it, being grateful for every second that it works the way it's supposed to.

Anyway, back to the story.

I took a picture of myself and I thought that I looked absolutely hideous, and that's what went through my head, "Omg, you are absolutely hideous." Suddenly another voice spoke up using that same voice. "I really don't appreciate that. You are beautiful." I then promptly apologized to my body because one bad picture doesn't mean I'm the ugliest thing that ever was.

A few days later, I was going out to the movies and wanted to wear something that wasn't a t-shirt so I tried on my favorite blue-green swirly top. I looked down and my tummy suddenly looked huge. In frustration I took off the shirt while mentally chastising myself for how fat I'd let myself become. That voice spoke up again, "Seriously? That's not very nice. Look in the mirror right now and tell me that's not the very definition of hotness." So I looked in the mirror and that voice was right, I liked what I saw in the mirror, so I apologized to my body, put on a different shirt, and then went on my merry way.

Thank you Body Warrior Goddess Voice.

All of my work on myself, each time I thought something negative and then turned it around, it's paid off. Changing those negative thoughts is no longer a manual recalibration, but an automatic one. Turning that criticism or insult into something positive now happens naturally without having to mentally remind myself to do it. It's pretty amazing.

If positive self talk is something that you struggle with, then I tell you to keep at it. Each time you change your thoughts around, you are creating a bridge in your mind, you are connecting the truth to those lies that you tell yourself.

You are making a positive change, and eventually it's going to stick.

How's your self-talk? Negative, positive, a little bit of both?

Hello you beautiful person you.
I'm on vacation from the retail job right now and there's one thing that always crops up for me around this time: aloneness vs. loneliness.

You should know that I'm a bit of a hermit. I rarely go out and I'm very selective about who I hang out with. I am the definition of a homebody and I'm fine with that. I think it's why the Goddess Hestia and I mesh so well.

I get a good amount of social time and friend time at the retail job so when I go on vacation it's usually just me, myself, and I. That's when the battle of aloneness vs. loneliness comes into play.

Aloneness is when you are alone and you don't mind. 

You laugh aloud while reading in bed and you yell at book characters and there's no one to mind. You dance to the kitchen, naked, while singing a made up song, and it's cool. You get the whole bed to yourself and you wake up in strange positions. You can order a pizza with just olives and mushrooms because it's your favorite and no one else's opinion matters. You can also watch as many episodes of Golden Girls while wearing your comfiest pjs and that's the norm. You can go to the bookstore for books and coffee and stay as long as you want. You can go to the movies and see whatever you want and eat popcorn and you don't have to share.

Aloneness is wonderful, it's soothing, it lets you be comfortable with who you are, in your own skin.

Loneliness is the evil twin, maybe not so evil, maybe just the sadder version.

Loneliness is when being alone doesn't feel good. You feel like something is missing, you feel a lack of connectedness with yourself or with others. Being alone feels like a burden and you have no one to share it with. The aloneness suddenly makes you feel isolated from everyone else. It's usually accompanied by Depression. Loneliness really sucks. There's really not much of a difference between aloneness and loneliness other than your state of mind and what you do with it.

In these times that I am alone a lot I become aware of loneliness lurking in the corners. I reach out and have a chat with someone, or ask my best friend to go out for lunch. Being alone is okay. Being not-alone is okay too. Oftentimes we allow ourselves to be lonely when we don't have to be. We can call our friends or family and ask them to come over or go out, and we can also see the blessing of being alone and learn to find the pleasure in it.

Do you tend to feel aloneness or loneliness? Is there a difference between the two for you?

"I don't know what to do.
I feel so lost.
So directionless.
So empty, very empty.
Sad too, all sadness.
What do I do?
I sit here.
I write things.
I cry.
And I have no idea why I'm doing it.
Well, I know why I'm crying, what I don't know is why I'm sitting here not doing anything about it.
I could get motivated. I could set my mind on something else. I could stop feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, right.
Maybe I should concentrate on this oh so wonderful future I've been hearing about. Get a better job, go to school, all of that. Funny thing is, I can't bring myself to want that stuff right now, I haven't wanted stuff like that in years. Since I was in grade-school. Maybe I've just accepted I won't ever amount to anything special.
I've never been very career oriented. I like to write but that's for fun and nothing else.
So I'm pretty much a nobody in every way possible.
Where is my meaning? I have to have a meaning to someone or something, don't I? I don't think I do. If there were a dictionary entry for every person in the world I wouldn't have a meaning. It would just say: Dominee (n.) Has no meaning, unless you count being sad all of the time, she's quite good at that.
I just feel like everything is falling apart. I've always felt like that. I'm not sure my life has ever felt 'together'.
Life's not worth bothering with.
I just want to run away to some far away place where I can be alone forever, which is weird because I'm sad and depressed because I am alone. Maybe if it was my choice it would be different. I hate being alive and able to feel all of this pain, it's not worth it."

From my journal in 2005 when I was 19.

And then I look at myself now.

I couldn't be happier with my transformation.

I think one of the ways we are able to see how much we love ourselves is by whether or not we can say "no" to other people.

Is that something you do easily?

When you are able to say "no" to other people it means that you are putting yourself first, you may even feel selfish, but you know what it really is? Creating clear boundaries and loving yourself and that my sweetling, is necessary for living a happy life.

It took me a very long time to be able to say no to other people. I always felt like I was letting them down. I felt like I was being rude, that I was a terrible person, I can't tell you the number of uncomfortable situations I put myself in, the number of times I overextended myself, and the number of times I made myself miserable by not being able to say "no".

I have loaned people money knowing that they wouldn't pay me back but not knowing how to say no without coming off as a huge uncaring asshat. I've gone out to bars even though it wasn't my thing and I was uncomfortable the entire time, just because I wanted others to feel like I cared about their friendship enough to do it. "No" was a really small part of my vocabulary. Then I learned something.

My needs matter. YOUR needs matter.

It is our job to take care of our needs. It is not your job to take care of everyone else's needs. You have to give to yourself, you have to nurture yourself, and when those things are laid to the wayside by someone else's wants and needs it is time to re-evaluate your boundaries.

When someone asks you to do something tune into your intuition. What does your gut say? What is your first instinct? Go with that, that is listening to the truth of your heart. What does your body say? Are you extra tired or stressed out? Even if it's something you want to do, maybe it's time to take your body's side this time and bow out so that you have extra time for yourself to rest and relax.

You have to learn how to say no.

Remember that you don't have to explain yourself to anyone, but honesty is the best policy. Work on saying "no" and saying it right away. If someone asks you to help them out with something and you don't know how to say no, don't say you'll think about it. Chances are you're going to feel guilty about making them wait for an answer so you're just going to say yes anyway, even though you really don't want to.

It's really hard stuff, this saying "no" business.

I try to do it with as much love and compassion as I can. As part of Blessing Manifesting I get asked to do things all of the time. I get asked to work on joint projects, to do guest posts, to submit things for magazines, to do interviews, and just in case you haven't noticed, I don't do those things. I'm more self contained. I'd love to put myself out there, but at the end of the day I know that I have so much energy for the business stuff and when I add extra stuff I get burnt out really easily. So even though I love those people that think of me, I love them for wanting me, and believing in me, I still have to say no.

It really sucks. I feel bad when I do it, but not as bad as I know I'd feel if I was stressed out trying to meet a deadline, or adding more time into my already I-work-two-jobs schedule, or suffering from burn-out and not wanting to write anything, or how disappointed I would feel putting my own plans on the backburner so that I could do something for someone else.

What things are you doing that you don't want to do? How can you say "no" to those kinds of things in the future?

It's no secret that I absolutely love historical romance novels. (If you do too, be my friend on goodreads!) Reading is my most used self-care, my way to unwind, relax, and have quiet Dominee-time.

The other day I was struck by something in one of my books. The hero is trying to get the heroine to believe in herself and to believe that she can have more than what she has. She's afraid though.

"Don't tell me to look up. Don't ask me to want. If I do, I'll never survive." -- Courtney Milan

Then I realized that I feel that way sometimes. I'm afraid to be bigger than I am, I'm afraid that if I believe that I can be that person it's eventually going to collapse all around me.

I'm afraid to look up.

I'm afraid that if I look up I will see how very far I have to go. I'm afraid that I'll get discouraged at how high I have to climb. I'm afraid that I just won't have what it takes. I'm afraid of the fall if I get there. I want so much for myself and for my business and for my purpose that sometimes it's just so terrifying to want something so bad.

Are you afraid too?

It's easier to look straight ahead, at what you have right now. It's easy to be grateful for what you have in the moment than to think or wish or hope or strive for what you might have. The truth is, you might not ever get it. Could you bounce back if you looked up? If you saw it within your grasp, if you knew it was so close, and then it slipped through your fingers? Could you afford not to try though?

I think that's where we have to start to be brave. Wanting something, to succeed, to be greater than we are, that is bravery. Allowing yourself to look up, that's courage.

We might not reach that goal. We might not ever become that person that we want to be, but we have to try. We have to look up.

We have to believe in ourselves. 

Right now I'm being brave in putting myself out there, believing that Journey Through Journaling is going to be a success, believing that I am so meant to do what I'm doing. It's hard to look up but my eyes are on the stars right now.

I'm afraid to look up, but I'm looking up.

How are you being brave right now? What do you see when you look up?